Before my baby was born, I read so many online tips from mothers that suggested getting earbuds, or wired headphones, something that would allow me to listen to audiobooks during those newborn days. Then those days arrived, and I found myself actively avoiding audiobooks. I couldn’t concentrate on them and take care of a baby. I had to hear everything! I needed to focus on her! These books were too confusing! What did I just miss? Oh no, she spit up! On and on.
I went from reading 1-3 audiobooks a month to approx. none. I could get some audiobook reading in while we went on walks (which became shorter and shorter as the temperatures spiked). It was so tragic! Everyone had told me I was going to be able to do this! Argh!
Enter: my Kindle. For some reason, my postpartum brain found it acceptable to put my kindle physically near my baby while she was hanging out on her mat, or when I was feeding her, and I could read that way. The reading began to happen in fits and spurts, in the downtime where I could take a breath to say “Okay, she’s safe, I can look over here to the right just a little bit and get some brain stimulation.” Why was this easier than someone talking in my ears? I do not know.
Then, as it goes in the life of a baby, everything changed all over again. Suddenly she was constantly moving or babbling, and grabbing at everything she can reach, and I would get so distracted by her all over again. Also, she weighed a lot more and I couldn’t fit her, safely, and my kindle, safely, in my hands from room to room. It began gathering dust on my nightstand and my reading came to a complete halt. Nothing was good. I picked up hardbacks during naptime and after she went to sleep, and I’d get 40% into a book and thing “Ugh. I don’t care about this. It isn’t worth this precious time I have!” I sampled audiobooks and, instead of listening to the book, was making lists in my head of laundry that needed to be done and groceries that needed purchasing. No book that I had previously bought on my Kindle was interesting, and all of the books I did want to read had too long of waits on Libby. Once they came in, I wasn’t interested anymore. I was frustrated all over again! I wanted to be reading so badly, and I kept beating myself up about it. It wasn’t healthy and so I decided to just take a step back and embrace other past times in the short term.
I spent some time sitting with the books that had once excited me but were no longer serving me. What was it about those books? I went back to a highly anticipated 2022 release that I had only read a few chapters of (I won’t name it here, because, I don’t remember!). Why didn’t I care? Oh! Because I felt like my life problems were so much harder than theirs! How was I supposed to feel for <<this character>> with <<that problem>> when I was constantly worried about myself and my newborn? I didn’t see myself in anything I was reading. I sought out family dramas or fiction about new mothers, but all of those books were too dark or had some element of “things going wrong” to the family that I couldn’t handle.
I decided to outsource the problem and reached out to some trusted book friends for recommendations on new motherhood books. I was open to anything. Boy, did they come through! Mostly non-fiction recommendations came in, but the ones that I have read I did really love.
How Not To Hate Your Husband After Having Kids by Jancee Dunn – What an eye opening book. I am (luckily) not (yet) at the point of hating my husband, but I can totally understand the sentiment behind the title. Meredith at Currently Reading Podcast said she includes this in her books she gives expecting mothers at their baby showers, and it really packs a punch. Dunn goes on a journey through some intensive and radical therapy techniques to bring her relationship back together with a six year old in the house. I took away a lot from this regarding how to protect your time for yourself as a mother and to speak up for what you want and need. And also to understand how a lot of the classic dad behaviors are informed by maternal gatekeeping. Something I’d recommend along the lines of this book is the Instagram account @mom_comics.
I’ll Show Myself Out by Jessie Klein – The tagline for this book is “she hilariously explores the cultural myths and impossible expectations around motherhood and explore the humiliations, poignancies, and possibilities of midlife.” While I am not yet in midlife, I resonated deeply with the chapters on motherhood and pregnancy. No, you don’t know what you’re doing, and that’s okay! Her essays about her own anxiety and working not to project that onto her own child helped me identify my own shortcomings.
The Best Most Awful Job (A collection) edited by Katherine May – There were some essays in this that really hit home for me, and others that did not. It gives you a broad perspective of motherhood across all versions of the concept (hint: being a woman, who gives birth, to a living child, is not what makes you a mother). I think this book would be a good primer for someone who maybe doesn’t understand what it might mean to be a mother.
I Miss You When I Blink by Mary Laura Philpott – Okay, this one wasn’t really recommended for new mothers, but I found it to be meaningful. The book focuses on the concept of a person’s identity, and how that changes over a lifetime. Who are you? I don’t know! I have absolutely no clue what kind of mother I am going to be and my identity has so significantly changed because now that I am a mother I will ALWAYS be a mother. Woah. It was comforting to read a (success) story about someone who was finding themselves.
Maybe You Should Talk To Someone by Lori Gottlieb – I struggled with postpartum anxiety. That really shouldn’t surprise you, based on my thoughts above! While the anxiety (at this one specific day when I am writing this) wasn’t enough (in my opinion) to warrant seeing a therapist (yet, or, again), this book explores all of the great things that speaking with a therapist can provide to you, and what it can’t do for you.
Overall, I am still finding myself in this new identity and rhythm of life. With the help of these books, I am beginning to feel more confident that (eventually) I will be able to be at peace again with the world around me, and that it won’t always be so scary. They have reminded me that reading is a joy, and has always been a joy for me. I need to take that back for myself, in whatever form it comes. With that, I set a goal for August to read at least 30 minutes a day and so far made enough progress that pleases me greatly.
SJP Books 